"I'd like the model with the built-in battering ram, please"

I just got back from a rainy excursion to my local Yankee Candle because I've recently decided that I can't play one more note in my practice room until it smells like Spiced Pumpkin. (Good news -- Spiced Pumpkin candles are currently buy one, get one 50% off!)

While there, a young dad came in pushing a baby in a pretty high-tech stroller. There he was minding his own business, sniffing the lids of various candles like the rest of us, when she pounced.

Ridiculously Obnoxious Saleslady (R.O.S.): (speaking directly to the baby in the loudest cutesy baby voice I've ever heard) Well, aren't you just the cutest little baby in the wo-orld! (the 2 syllable pronunciation)

Dad: (polite fake laugh of acknowledgment) Thanks. (baby makes the tiniest of sounds)

R.O.S.: (Bending over and shaking her finger at the baby with a super scary smile on her face) No fussing in he-re! (and then, one octave higher) No fussing in he-re! (stops and smiles at the dad)

Dad: (polite laugh number 2) Yeah, I think he's teething. (trying to maneuver the stroller around the woman, but it was tough because it's a really small store and the Spiced Pumpkin display was blocking his only escape route)

R.O.S.: (still smiling that creepy smile and still directing all comments to the baby) Oh, I remember that age, I sure do-oo! (and then...) Aren't you just a great big chunk? Aren't you just the fattest, little chunkiest baby I've ever seen! Fat, fat, fat!

(At this I stole a quick glance at the kid. I don't like to make eye contact with babies because I think they, like dogs, can tell when you're afraid of them... Anyway, he didn't look all that chunky to me, plus her comment seemed a little mean-spirited regardless of his overall trimness.)

Dad: (polite laugh number 3) Yeah... uh, excuse me. (he inched the wheels forward)

(R.O.S. took up her post at the cash register. A group of women was ready to check out and their daughters were hanging back behind them. They were minding their own business sucking on those gigantic ring pops that dentists love so much, when the baby made the 2nd of the tiniest of sounds.)

R.O.S.: (in a scolding tone, talking over the women's heads) Girls! Don't you hear that little baby trying to talk to you?

(I made a second stealth glance in the baby's direction. Hmm, he's not even looking at the girls, I thought. The girls, startled, looked over their shoulders disinterestedly at the baby who had begun to pull his socks off.

His dad began to slowly wheel the stroller backwards in preparation for a reverse y-turn out of the store. R.O.S. left her post and deftly moved to block his escape.)

R.O.S.: (again taking up her baby speak) Don't you want a car freshener today?

Dad: (seeming to suddenly realize that his high-tech stroller could easily run over this woman, inched forward, tentatively at first, then with more determination)

(Good god, he's going to do it, I thought! I admit, I wanted to see it happen. Just as he was picking up some speed a young woman carrying a Victoria's Secret bag poked her head into the store.)

"Honey? Ready?"

I let out a small sigh of disappointment as R.O.S. moved out of the way and the dad and his baby left the store. I was really looking forward to seeing that baby take her out.