Parlais vous anglais?

Jeff and I have recently decided to learn how to understand, speak, read, and write French. Fluently, if possible. In the last 3 years, we've been fortunate to travel to France twice and have had our French colleagues visit us twice. Jeff is going again (lucky!) in November and they are coming to Flint in May. Whew! Each time we have marveled at how well they speak English and have been embarrassed that our French is tres terrible.

So, we purchased (brand new off eBay for $100 less than retail, thank you very much) Rosetta Stone. It's really fun, actually. Their basic philosophy is that the most effective way to learn a language is the way you learned your native language, by complete immersion, i.e. without translation. So, for instance, up will pop 2 pictures: one of a boy and one of a girl. And then this French voice will say "une fille" and will highlight the picture of the girl. (Shoot, now I can't remember if it's un fille or une fille... rats...) Once you've mastered choosing the right person, they show that same girl holding an egg and the whole process starts over again.

Another essential component is learning how to pronounce words like an actual honest-to-goodness French person would pronounce them. So, they'll say "des femmes" and then this little bleep sounds which is your signal to repeat the word into the microphone attached to the headset you're currently wearing. If you pronounce the word satisfactorily, you move on.

Okay, fine. Not too hard. Yeah -- until you hit lesson 2! All of sudden in lesson 2, the French pronunciation police are out in full force and they aren't messing around.

So the other night I was working on my French lesson when the picture of a newspaper flashed on the screen. "un journal" says Ms. French. "un journal," I reply. BUZZ. Wrong. "un journal" repeats Ms. French. "un journal," I try again. BUZZ.

I notice this green play button on the picture that I hadn't seen before. I click on that. It takes me to this alternate world of pronunciation help for dummies. Not only do you hear Ms. French pronouncing the word successfully, you also see what her voice looks like in sound waves. Cool. Ohhhhhhhh, I think, as I see that first her voice scoops down a tiny bit then explodes up before sliding gracefully down at the close of the word. Feeling better prepared, I click on the record icon and speak. Let me tell you, I didn't even need the BUZZ! I could see I was nowhere close. My voice line didn't even connect; it looked like a stick drawing, one line straight down, one line straight up, one line straight down. Crap. I try replicating Ms. French about 5 more times. Finally, I feel prepared to go back to the regular screen to try again.

"Un journal," says Ms. French ever-so-coolly.

"Un journal," I say with utter confidence (well, with just a hint of desperation).

BUZZ.

"Shit!" I say.

BUZZ.