Tonight at kickboxing, my fabulous instructor said something to all of us at the end of class:
"Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, Oh, and if you're ever interested in teaching, I would be happy to train you..."
What?! Seriously??
Okay, need to go back a little bit. Somewhere along the line, I developed this list of jobs that I thought would be really fun and that I'd like to do at some point in my life.
On my list:
1. Farmer
2. Bartender
3. D.J.
4. Mailman
5. AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
I have already held the following jobs: farmer and bartender. Bartending was much more fun and a helluva lot more profitable than farming. Holy cow, do you know how hard it is to be a farmer? Good grief those people work hard.
Anyway, not to brag or anything, but my kickboxing instructor has called me 'hard core' on more than one occasion. I think I may be punching my way toward crossing one more job off my list.
8.13.2008
Oh, to runaway and join a rock band
An open letter to Jack Johnson (my new favorite singer of all-time)
Dear Jack:
I have recently discovered your work through Pandora Radio. I bought your CD In Between Dreams yesterday at my local Target. I played it for the first time this morning as I got ready for work. I even made my husband listen, too. Well, to be fair, probably even the neighbors heard it, as I had it cranked up to maximum volume. I love to dance (although I'm not what you'd consider a good dancer) and I danced as I applied my eye shadow.
I love your music. And, as it turns out, I'm a musician, too. Flute. Now, I've listened to your CD about 3 times through today and I will admit, I was trying hard to imagine some flute sounds mixed in with this fabulous music because then, well, you would need a flute player and I would so do it. Bad news. I don't think you need flute. Which sucks. Because I would totally be in your band. I noticed you used accordion on a couple tracks. That was cool.
I would still like to be in your band, so I've come up with the following ideas..... 1) Nada.
Lame. I would like to be in a rock band. I could do it.
Well, if you ever need a flute player or a pretty bad dancer (I do kickbox quite well, though, and that's kind of like dancing...well, I can totally punch in perfect time at any tempo), please don't hesitate to call.
Sincerely,
Jess
Dear Jack:
I have recently discovered your work through Pandora Radio. I bought your CD In Between Dreams yesterday at my local Target. I played it for the first time this morning as I got ready for work. I even made my husband listen, too. Well, to be fair, probably even the neighbors heard it, as I had it cranked up to maximum volume. I love to dance (although I'm not what you'd consider a good dancer) and I danced as I applied my eye shadow.
I love your music. And, as it turns out, I'm a musician, too. Flute. Now, I've listened to your CD about 3 times through today and I will admit, I was trying hard to imagine some flute sounds mixed in with this fabulous music because then, well, you would need a flute player and I would so do it. Bad news. I don't think you need flute. Which sucks. Because I would totally be in your band. I noticed you used accordion on a couple tracks. That was cool.
I would still like to be in your band, so I've come up with the following ideas..... 1) Nada.
Lame. I would like to be in a rock band. I could do it.
Well, if you ever need a flute player or a pretty bad dancer (I do kickbox quite well, though, and that's kind of like dancing...well, I can totally punch in perfect time at any tempo), please don't hesitate to call.
Sincerely,
Jess
8.11.2008
Knotted, er, I mean, knitted
It's 11:47 p.m. and I should be in bed. It's officially past my bedtime, but I am committed to a project that I started almost 3 hours ago. To turn this mess into...
How did I get here, you may ask? Well, it all started much earlier today. We'd just had coffee and I was sitting in our office (my new favorite place to sit) looking at our newly installed bookshelves that were just waiting to be filled with all of our music books and flute and saxophone CDs. A long project, but with a very satisfying result.
Then I turned my attention to the closet in one of the guest rooms that was one of the last refuges of boxes from our move last year. The boxes contained mostly old quilts and blankets from our childhoods. They were nice boxes to open.
At the bottom of one box, I found my knitting bag, which I hadn't thought about in about 3 years and before that, 12 years. Jeff had joined me in the sorting process by then and found this little test piece I had made.
He was so impressed -- seriously! And I was like, this is nothing! Back in my youth, I actually knew how to knit and made my very own sweater and everything, which got a blue ribbon at the 4-H fair, thank you very much. (There's no way I could do that now, by the way...) Anyway, there he was, standing there all impressed and the topic of scarves came up. So I asked him if he would actually wear a scarf if I made it and he said definitely yes. And he would tell everyone that I made it for him, too.
So this evening I sat down with my mother's trusty "Learn How to Knit" book that has both left- and right-handed instructions (lefty here) that has all the patterns I recognize. It came back pretty quickly, so I was inspired to get to work on the scarf this very night. (I must admit that I was perhaps influenced by my recent completion of The Friday Night Knitting Club, a book I enjoyed very much.)
I pulled out the lovely green wool yarn that I bought 3 years when I last thought I might knit something nice for Jeff. It was wrapped in this beautiful figure-8 twist. I found the end, but then something terrible happened and I ended up with the mess you saw at the top. So here I sit. Pile of knotted wool yarn in front of me, wishing I could go back in time and be much more careful as I pulled on the loose end. *sigh*
It is nice to have a project.
This.
How did I get here, you may ask? Well, it all started much earlier today. We'd just had coffee and I was sitting in our office (my new favorite place to sit) looking at our newly installed bookshelves that were just waiting to be filled with all of our music books and flute and saxophone CDs. A long project, but with a very satisfying result.
Then I turned my attention to the closet in one of the guest rooms that was one of the last refuges of boxes from our move last year. The boxes contained mostly old quilts and blankets from our childhoods. They were nice boxes to open.
At the bottom of one box, I found my knitting bag, which I hadn't thought about in about 3 years and before that, 12 years. Jeff had joined me in the sorting process by then and found this little test piece I had made.
He was so impressed -- seriously! And I was like, this is nothing! Back in my youth, I actually knew how to knit and made my very own sweater and everything, which got a blue ribbon at the 4-H fair, thank you very much. (There's no way I could do that now, by the way...) Anyway, there he was, standing there all impressed and the topic of scarves came up. So I asked him if he would actually wear a scarf if I made it and he said definitely yes. And he would tell everyone that I made it for him, too.So this evening I sat down with my mother's trusty "Learn How to Knit" book that has both left- and right-handed instructions (lefty here) that has all the patterns I recognize. It came back pretty quickly, so I was inspired to get to work on the scarf this very night. (I must admit that I was perhaps influenced by my recent completion of The Friday Night Knitting Club, a book I enjoyed very much.)
I pulled out the lovely green wool yarn that I bought 3 years when I last thought I might knit something nice for Jeff. It was wrapped in this beautiful figure-8 twist. I found the end, but then something terrible happened and I ended up with the mess you saw at the top. So here I sit. Pile of knotted wool yarn in front of me, wishing I could go back in time and be much more careful as I pulled on the loose end. *sigh*
It is nice to have a project.
8.07.2008
Of Mice and Men
[Please make sure to read this before proceeding]
A play in One Act
Cast of characters:
Rod: An unidentified species of rodent
Charlie: His side-kick
Jess: a perturbed homeowner
Jeff: the other perturbed homeowner
Place: A spacious attic in Flint, present day
(The curtain opens with Jess at the computer. She glances up toward the ceiling, annoyed, listening to the persistent gnawing. The lights fade down on Jess and come up on Rod and Charlie in the attic.)
Rod: (walking on his hind legs, using a piece of floor joist as a toothpick) Hey Charlie, here's another one of those sticky sheets, watch out for it. (talking as he expertly maneuvers around it)
Charlie: (a heavy set fellow, prone to clumsiness) Thanks, Rod. There sure are a lot of these sticky things up here these days. Where do you think they came from?
Rod: (stomping extra hard on the floor, snickering as he glances down) Oh, I have my suspicions.
(Jess angrily glances up at the ceiling, trying to will the power of x-ray vision to see the little bastard through the floor)
Charlie: Say, Rod, I'm hungry. Where should we go today?
Rod: (looking at his wristwatch on his wiry rodent arm) Hmm... well, it's about 10:30 in the morning. I'd say the humans are out of bed and are probably working on the computer, so why don't we snack above the office? That would probably piss them off most.
Charlie: (chuckling) Good one, Rod. Good one.
Rod: (clawing ferociously at a piece of insulation) And then for our lunchtime snack, we'll move over to the guest room closet at the end of the hall where the human practices the flute. I'm sure she heard us in there yesterday. I think I heard her scream a little bit. (cruel chuckling)
Charlie: (grabbing his rotund belly, shaking with laughter) Rod, you are truly inspired.
(lights fade on Rod and Charlie, and come up on Jess as she calls down the stairs to Jeff)
Jess: Jeff, do you think we should check the traps today?
Jeff: (calling back up the stairs) No, I don't think so. Remember, if we don't go up there, they won't realize they're traps and we'll be more likely to catch more.
(sounds of gnawing pervade the office)
Jess: Hmmm... I'm not so sure of that...
(Lights fade. Curtain falls with sounds of Charlie gnawing and Rod's fading laughter).
THE END.
A play in One Act
Cast of characters:
Rod: An unidentified species of rodent
Charlie: His side-kick
Jess: a perturbed homeowner
Jeff: the other perturbed homeowner
Place: A spacious attic in Flint, present day
(The curtain opens with Jess at the computer. She glances up toward the ceiling, annoyed, listening to the persistent gnawing. The lights fade down on Jess and come up on Rod and Charlie in the attic.)
Rod: (walking on his hind legs, using a piece of floor joist as a toothpick) Hey Charlie, here's another one of those sticky sheets, watch out for it. (talking as he expertly maneuvers around it)
Charlie: (a heavy set fellow, prone to clumsiness) Thanks, Rod. There sure are a lot of these sticky things up here these days. Where do you think they came from?
Rod: (stomping extra hard on the floor, snickering as he glances down) Oh, I have my suspicions.
(Jess angrily glances up at the ceiling, trying to will the power of x-ray vision to see the little bastard through the floor)
Charlie: Say, Rod, I'm hungry. Where should we go today?
Rod: (looking at his wristwatch on his wiry rodent arm) Hmm... well, it's about 10:30 in the morning. I'd say the humans are out of bed and are probably working on the computer, so why don't we snack above the office? That would probably piss them off most.
Charlie: (chuckling) Good one, Rod. Good one.
Rod: (clawing ferociously at a piece of insulation) And then for our lunchtime snack, we'll move over to the guest room closet at the end of the hall where the human practices the flute. I'm sure she heard us in there yesterday. I think I heard her scream a little bit. (cruel chuckling)
Charlie: (grabbing his rotund belly, shaking with laughter) Rod, you are truly inspired.
(lights fade on Rod and Charlie, and come up on Jess as she calls down the stairs to Jeff)
Jess: Jeff, do you think we should check the traps today?
Jeff: (calling back up the stairs) No, I don't think so. Remember, if we don't go up there, they won't realize they're traps and we'll be more likely to catch more.
(sounds of gnawing pervade the office)
Jess: Hmmm... I'm not so sure of that...
(Lights fade. Curtain falls with sounds of Charlie gnawing and Rod's fading laughter).
THE END.
8.05.2008
We know you're up there...
We have creatures living in our attic. We're not sure what they are, but we know they like to chew things... because we can HEAR THEM chewing in the walls, scurrying about, wreaking havoc. We're not fond of these creatures.
Last summer, we called an animal removal place and they sent over a guy who placed a trap on our roof. At that point, we thought we were dealing with squirrels. The removal guy said that for one flat fee, he would remove an unlimited number of animals. Great! Everyone else was charging per animal, so this seemed very reasonable. Well, after our $250.00 squirrel was captured, we hoped for the best.
Flash forward to the recent past...(cue the wavy lines and tinkly music)
Laying in bed on a Sunday morning...
Me: (stiffening at the recognizable sound) Do you hear that?
Jeff: (groaning) Yes.
Me: Crap.
We've been talking about how we should really get up into the attic to investigate, but, gosh darn it, things always seem to come up that would be much more fun, like ANYTHING! So this past weekend when my dear, sweet sister and her affable and capable boyfriend were visiting my parents, we convinced him to come help Jeff deal with this problem in exchange for food. Because he's in college and food is always welcome, he agreed.
Mom, Mel, and I took off for IKEA (the happiest place on earth) and left Jeff and Hans (not his real name ;) ) to take of the problem. Their plan: go buy a million glue traps and spread them out all over the attic. We called at regular intervals to check on the progress. Each time, Jeff answered a little out of breath and assured me of their progress. It was hot, this was hard, yeah, they've seen lots of evidence of some sort of creature, it was difficult work, but yeah, they were really working hard, etc... I was even feeling a little guilty...we had been gone for about 4 or so hours and they had been working in the sweltering attic all afternoon...
We got home and they had finished the job. As I was showing Jeff my latest treasures from IKEA, he made his confession. Here's a dramatization of the account.
(cue wavy lines and tinkly music)
Jeff: Hey Hans, as long as we're at Wal-Mart getting these traps, let's go check out the bb guns.
Hans: Okay.
Jeff: (holding a bb gun in his hands looking a lot like that kid in A Christmas Story) Cooooooooooooooollllll....
Hans: (who is a very capable outdoorsman who provided this year's Thanksgiving main course by killing it with his bare hands) Yeah, it's cool.
Jeff: (who had a somewhat sheltered childhood...indoors) You know, this could come in handy. I mean, when we catch the mice or rats or whatever, we can't just let them stay on the glue sheet until they die. It would be much more humane to get it over with right away. Plus, IT WOULD BE SO COOL TO SHOOT THINGS!
Jeff buys the bb gun. They spread the traps and are finished in a cool 1 hour flat.
Jeff: (with a slight dampness in his eyes, cradling his bb gun in his arms) Hans, in this moment, I have finally fulfilled my childhood dream. (a deep sigh of happiness) Let's shoot stuff.
Hans: Cool.
So, they opened the sliding door to the back patio in the backyard, lined up 4 Coke cans and shot them to pieces for the next 3 hours...
We still haven't caught anything. But Jeff can hit the "C" in Coke with amazing precision.
Last summer, we called an animal removal place and they sent over a guy who placed a trap on our roof. At that point, we thought we were dealing with squirrels. The removal guy said that for one flat fee, he would remove an unlimited number of animals. Great! Everyone else was charging per animal, so this seemed very reasonable. Well, after our $250.00 squirrel was captured, we hoped for the best.
Flash forward to the recent past...(cue the wavy lines and tinkly music)
Laying in bed on a Sunday morning...
Me: (stiffening at the recognizable sound) Do you hear that?
Jeff: (groaning) Yes.
Me: Crap.
We've been talking about how we should really get up into the attic to investigate, but, gosh darn it, things always seem to come up that would be much more fun, like ANYTHING! So this past weekend when my dear, sweet sister and her affable and capable boyfriend were visiting my parents, we convinced him to come help Jeff deal with this problem in exchange for food. Because he's in college and food is always welcome, he agreed.
Mom, Mel, and I took off for IKEA (the happiest place on earth) and left Jeff and Hans (not his real name ;) ) to take of the problem. Their plan: go buy a million glue traps and spread them out all over the attic. We called at regular intervals to check on the progress. Each time, Jeff answered a little out of breath and assured me of their progress. It was hot, this was hard, yeah, they've seen lots of evidence of some sort of creature, it was difficult work, but yeah, they were really working hard, etc... I was even feeling a little guilty...we had been gone for about 4 or so hours and they had been working in the sweltering attic all afternoon...
We got home and they had finished the job. As I was showing Jeff my latest treasures from IKEA, he made his confession. Here's a dramatization of the account.
(cue wavy lines and tinkly music)
Jeff: Hey Hans, as long as we're at Wal-Mart getting these traps, let's go check out the bb guns.
Hans: Okay.
Jeff: (holding a bb gun in his hands looking a lot like that kid in A Christmas Story) Cooooooooooooooollllll....
Hans: (who is a very capable outdoorsman who provided this year's Thanksgiving main course by killing it with his bare hands) Yeah, it's cool.
Jeff: (who had a somewhat sheltered childhood...indoors) You know, this could come in handy. I mean, when we catch the mice or rats or whatever, we can't just let them stay on the glue sheet until they die. It would be much more humane to get it over with right away. Plus, IT WOULD BE SO COOL TO SHOOT THINGS!
Jeff buys the bb gun. They spread the traps and are finished in a cool 1 hour flat.
Jeff: (with a slight dampness in his eyes, cradling his bb gun in his arms) Hans, in this moment, I have finally fulfilled my childhood dream. (a deep sigh of happiness) Let's shoot stuff.
Hans: Cool.
So, they opened the sliding door to the back patio in the backyard, lined up 4 Coke cans and shot them to pieces for the next 3 hours...
We still haven't caught anything. But Jeff can hit the "C" in Coke with amazing precision.
8.04.2008
Life is sweeter...
Yeah, I've decided I'm not so into keeping track of my candy consumption on my blog because a) who wants to read about that? and b) I just don't want to. So, I'm going to try and eat less candy and that will be that. Cool? :)
8.03.2008
Will punch for food
How many calories are there in 1 M&M? Okay, more importantly than that, how many jab-cross punch combos do I need to do to cancel it out??!!
Just kidding, kind of... Here's the problem with exercising: it makes me hungry. It's this horrible catch-22 phenomenon. I think, Hey! I'll go to the gym, ride the bike, do a little walking, take a walk with Jeff tonight after dinner, and then eat 28 peanut M&Ms.
So, I have to resort to self-tattling. It was something I was trying to avoid, but clearly, I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I will henceforth be instituting a daily M&M count, starting from now (which will conveniently let me omit the small handful of M&Ms I just had walking upstairs to the computer...hey, how many M&Ms can I have for walking up the stairs?... 1? 2?...)
5:31pm
M&Ms: 0, 3 at 9:03pm
Reese's Pieces: 0
Jelly Bellys: 0
Ghirardelli chocolate squares: 0
(What can I say? Jeff loves candy and apparently has much more self-control than I do -- damn him!...)
May the force be with me.
Just kidding, kind of... Here's the problem with exercising: it makes me hungry. It's this horrible catch-22 phenomenon. I think, Hey! I'll go to the gym, ride the bike, do a little walking, take a walk with Jeff tonight after dinner, and then eat 28 peanut M&Ms.
So, I have to resort to self-tattling. It was something I was trying to avoid, but clearly, I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I will henceforth be instituting a daily M&M count, starting from now (which will conveniently let me omit the small handful of M&Ms I just had walking upstairs to the computer...hey, how many M&Ms can I have for walking up the stairs?... 1? 2?...)
5:31pm
M&Ms: 0, 3 at 9:03pm
Reese's Pieces: 0
Jelly Bellys: 0
Ghirardelli chocolate squares: 0
(What can I say? Jeff loves candy and apparently has much more self-control than I do -- damn him!...)
May the force be with me.
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