34D

As some of you know, I've been on a quest for a swimsuit to wear for when we go up North to hang out with friends. It's been a daunting task to say the least.

The problem areas:

• I have boobs and they're not small (a fact that's given me grief my whole life...)
• A tummy that is decidedly not flat
• I don't like to show my butt
  

So I go into several local fitting rooms armed with several swimsuit combinations. I grab some tops that are the same size t-shirt that I would wear. I put them on and how does the saying go?... my cup runneth over?... yes, that's about right. So I put on a size that's larger -- it's just a number, who cares? Well, somewhere between cave women and Victoria, they figured out that a string tied around one's neck (even if it is a substantial halter) will not satisfactorily lift in any sort of meaningful way.

After muttering "Are you f#@(%& kidding me?" in the middle of the Target dressing room, the dressing room attendant suggested I look elsewhere.

Another day, another store...
Aha! Maybe I'll try the compression method! I grab some tops off the shelf that are called sport suits -- they say something about surf boarding. Now, I've never been surf boarding, but I would think those ladies would want everything securely in place as they are flipping around the ocean. So I go in the dressing room and squeeze in to the top. Good so far! Everything is firm up top, feeling comfortable, oh wait... what is that at the bottom? I think this must be in the laws of physics somewhere, but what one squeezes up here, is going to have to come out somewhere, like the bottom of the top in this instance. Not pretty...

Back out on the floor... searching, searching... what's this? A top with my exact bra size stamped right on the tag and what are these? Underwires! The choirs of heaven sang and a light shone down upon me, right there in the middle of Meijer. I took the suit (grabbed it and ran would be a better description) to the dressing room. Oh my god! It didn't suck. Everything was in place, and it was longish, so it covered my tummy and it came with a swim skirt to cover my butt.

The gods have made a perfect swimsuit and left it for me at my local grocery store. Thank you, swimsuit gods.